Six months ago today I gave birth to my three little smile makers. They make lots of smiles now - when they notice I'm standing above their cribs in the morning, when they notice each other, when they see their favorite toys, when they surprise themselves with a funny or new noise or movement, and anytime I smile at them. They make me smile too, but there were many months when I wasn't smiling much at all.
I wasn't smiling when they were conceived. I don't even know the exact moment my husband's sperm was injected into my retrieved eggs. I was achy, my ovaries swollen, my ass sore from intramuscular shots, my belly distended from other shots, my bruised soul hopeful - still.
I did smile three days later when I watched the burst of light on the monitor as three embryos were placed into my womb. In that moment I began talking to them, encouraging them to make a home there, promising them that I would take care of them, love them and nourish them.
The day after Thanksgiving was 13 days post-transfer when I got that phone call. I dropped to my knees and screamed. I cried and cried and cried and screamed and screamed and laughed a little. I shook my head in disbelief, in relief. I enjoyed the moment, yet I knew we had a long way to go.
I did smile when we saw those three dark circles in the ultrasound. I remembered a years ago vision of myself with three babies. My husband was not smiling; a tear rolled down his face.
There was not a whole lot of smiling during my pregnancy either. Its not that I was unhappy or ungrateful. Quite the opposite, I was thrilled and hopeful even after hearing the horrific statistics about triplet pregnancies. Friends that were astounded with our news did not understand (or did not discuss) the dangers for our babies and for me, and even my husband and I ignored the repeated rational logical statistical warnings of the doctors. We were in shock, and also in love with these fragile dividing cells.
I was not smiling when I started vomiting from the triple levels of hormones, but eventually I did laugh when I realized that I was the only person on the planet who got sick from a sip of water. Funny, I was already metamorphosing into a completely new being, cell-by-cell, organ-by-organ.
I definitely smiled when I saw their hearts beating, when I heard their hearts beating, when I saw images of their faces and limbs, a tush here, a hand there.
Growing at triple the rate, my body stretched and then expanded more and more and more. I kept talking to those souls. I did not sleep one night the entire pregnancy. I kept talking to those souls. The aches started around 15 weeks, trading places with the nausea. I kept talking to them. The real pain set in. I loved those souls. I drank gallons of water for them, I ate obscene quantities of food for them, I took multiple vitamins and supplements for them, I settled into my sofa to keep them safe.
I possibly smiled when I reached the thresholds of 20 weeks, then 28, then 32. There were a few smiles here and there, as I expressed appreciation to the people who took care of me when I surrendered to helplessness. The appreciation was super genuine, but the smiles were forced through extreme discomfort and constant pain. I smiled at Pat, the phlebotomist, at my doctor's office, because she was so sweet to me. I smiled when I finally got into the swimming pool during my 32nd week of pregnancy - ah, the relief.
I looked in the mirror at my huge belly and over-sized body and smiled. "You guys are in there," I commented. I treated myself to an in-house prenatal massage, but there was no bliss. I lived moment to moment, tried not to complain, tried to stay sane, tried to express gratitude, endured lots of pain. Its all I could do. And, I kept talking to those beautiful souls, generating love and safety for them.
If my triplet pregnancy was about endurance, the first six months of my babies' lives have been about survival. When they were 3 or 4 months old I realized that I had not been able to enjoy them. The minute to minute tasks of caring for them were so demanding, that even though I acted with the deepest love, I was so in the moment I couldn't afford to step back. I became sad when this realization arose during a conversation with another mom of multiples, but comforted in part when she said her experience was the same. Sleeping through the night helps, but this survival mode runs much deeper than sleep deprivation. My body has suffered, my soul has retreated. I've been in a mental tornado, a disorienting spin. Mother instincts have taken over; my motivation is purely to keep these girls growing.
Little by little, I am remembering things and putting my memories back together. With the help of my husband and others who journeyed to Babyland with us, I am finally remembering the day they were born, the weeks that followed in the NICU, and the months until this day. I'm learning how to succeed at survival, and how to celebrate each sweet moment with my three blessings.
While still in survival mode, I'm at long last sane and serene enough to smile. My husband and I are in it together, trying desperately not to hurt each other, striving to support and strengthen one another, steering our relationship through these struggles, holding onto our love and faith and trust. As much as we can during our cycles of stress, we smile at each other and with one another.
These baby girls are sweet souls, and that gives me a sweet smile. These children are beautiful blessings, and that brightens my smile. They are undeniably smile makers. Now I have survived enough that I can kiss kiss kiss my girls, dance dance dance with them, hug hug hug them and smile smile smile at them. My three little smile makers are six months old!
Today's list of smilemaker memories, flashback from June 14, 2008:
sweet morning: woke up feeling peaceful this Shabbat morning, the sun is rising, all is quiet
best view from a hospital room: Lake Michigan and Michigan Avenue - the nurses took pity on me yesterday and moved me to a huge corner room (room 968), with two walls of windows, I look east and see big sky and blue water, my north view allows me to look west and see Michigan Avenue
Dr. G called from whale watching in Maine and said: today is the day
facial expression of the day: Jeff as he took that phone call and then repeated those words to me, tears welling up in his eyes
person I can't (don't want to) live without: my husband
Funniest moment: Grammy in the pre-op room asking the nurse why all nurses are named Mary
2nd funniest moment: Mom in the pre-op room telling the doctor she should have seen me before I was pregnant and telling her to look at photos of me on my website, of course she blurted out the URL too
comforting moment: Carol the mid-wife saw my name on the board and came to say hello while I was in pre-op
reassuring moment: as they were rolling me into the OR, Dr. McG told me that she checked out my website
3rd funniest moment: Dr. McG saying: "I looked at the pictures of you on the site, you were hot!"
most blessed moments: 4:55 pm, 4:56 pm, 4:57 pm
best Father's Day gifts: baby A, baby B, baby C - all girls!
today I became: a mother, mommy, eema to three babies
coolest thing about my body: it carried three babies at once for 33 weeks and 4 days
next coolest thing about my body: I produced milk (ok- for today colostrum) for my babies
what a relief!: I can stand again, I can walk once more, I can enjoy hot water running over me in the shower
what a triple miracle!: I see my babies, I touch my babies, I have three babies
Refu'a shleima prayers for healing:
for all the women out there carrying triplets or other high order multiples (HOM), may you be blessed with patience and hope, courage, strength and love. May your community care for you as you care for your growing babies. May you and your babies grow and thrive, and may you be blessed with the best medical care available and a safe delivery and speedy recovery .
for everyone yearning to become a parent, may your wishes be granted. May you find solace in talking to the soul/s that are meant to join you in life, may you be granted strength and patience and courage on your journey. may your spirit stay steady and supported as you struggle with your limitations.
for all my fellow new triplet and HOM moms, may our bodies recover speedily, may we find compassion to live with our still mercurial hormones, and the perseverance to live under constant and unique stress and may our hearts forever be filled with love. May we find the grace to accept help, even when they don't do it our way. May our children grow in health and strength in love and in wisdom and be a blessing to us, our families, our communities and to the universe. May we support one another always and find comfort in our shared experiences. May we enjoy and celebrate our little smilemakers.
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